The Epilator
by ArtificialAorta
Summary: The team has been sending their personal packages to the hub again...but what dangerous alien tech has Tosh brought in?


Set during Season One; no spoilers; a very character neutral piece (so no character bashing or pairings)

**Disclaimer**: Torchwood belongs to RTD and BBC. Though I play with the character behind their backs...Shhh, I won't say anything if you won't!

**The Epilator**

"Tosh, Gwen! I have your packages! Oh and something for you too Owen" called out Ianto as he walked through the cog door. Despite the sounds of delight from the rest of the team, Jack frowned as he looked up from his report. He thought he told them no more sending personal mail to the Hub

Getting up from his desk, Jack started to run through the speech he hoped he wouldn't have to use...again. The ripping of boxes could be heard from the outside of Jack's office. He saw the team enjoying their mail and showing it to one another.

"I thought I told you no more personal mail!" cried Jack "How are we supposed to be a secret organisation if someone can track your mail to us?"

"Calm down Jack!" Gwen called back with a huge gap toothed smile "We have perfectly good reasons."

"Like endangering Torchwood?" shot Jack with a raise of his perfect eyebrow. He had now walked down the stairs and had a better view of what was delivered.

"Rhys's birthday is in a few days. I couldn't have his present sent to the house could I?" explained Gwen while waving the silver and gold watch in front of Jack's face "That reminds me, can I have Tuesday off? We're going out to dinner to celebrate."

"Sure, whatever, now you two better have similar explanations?" hiding a present was _sort_ of a valid reason, mused Jack while his face accused Owen and Tosh. Owen spoke up first

"My package is completely Torchwood related!" Owen complained while Jack took the box.

"An Xbox 360?" asked Jack as he looked the game counsel packaging

"I'll have you know some of the games are very good to virtually prepare us for field work. Take Halo! I mean, we can compete with other players. See how our skills really match up." Jack gave his medic a sceptical look to which the medic replied "I was going to keep it in the Hub! Anyone's free to play it."

"We don't have a TV to hook it up to." Clarified Jack with a triumphant smile.

"Tea Boy ordered it the other day. We charged it to the Torchwood. You'll be getting the bill soon." Smiled Owen. Jack turned to give Ianto an angry glare but found his favourite coffee maker had busied himself with picking up dirty mugs

"It's a nice one too" Continued Owen "A Hi-Def plasma!"

Gwen started to talk to Owen about possible satellite dishes and Jack tried to ignore them

"Tosh?" sighed Jack defeated. Until someone tracked down and tried to destroy Torchwood Three via mail, they weren't going to learn

"Well," shrugged Tosh "I'm hardly ever home and last time it took ages until the postman and I could actually meet so I could sign for it. I thought this would be easier."

"Why do I even bother with you people?" cried Jack while raising his arms in anger. He started to mumble incoherently until he heard a dangerous grinding of machinery. While quickly snapping out of his ideas of fake mail bombs, Jack realised the noise was coming from the device in Tosh's hand. It was hand sized and in general sounded extremely dangerous.

"Drop it Tosh! Don't worry I got you covered!" exclaimed Jack as he took out his gun and pointed it at the thing in Tosh's hand. That certainly got everyone's attention

"What? What are you talking about Jack?" asked a nervous Tosh while switching off the device

"That alien tech you have there! It looks dangerous."

"It's an epilator!" countered Tosh

"Good, you already figured out what it is. Still I don't want you to get hurt!" continued Jack not dropping his gun. He took a quick look around the Hub to annoyingly find no one else had their guns out. "What's wrong with you guys?" asked Jack panicking slightly. Obviously the device was controlling their minds. Making them think it was harmless

Owen was staring at Jack with crossed arms and raised brow while Gwen was giggling. Another take of the room showed Ianto rolling his eyes

"Epliation: the removal of hairs by the root." Ianto smoothly announced with his emotionless face. Jack still didn't understand. With a sigh, Ianto walked over to Tosh and took the epilator from her "It's a feminine beauty device."

Lowering his gun, Jacked inched over and looked at the shaver like machine in Ianto's hand. It was pink and had the shiny word 'Panasonic' scribbled on it.

"So...?" Jacked asked and Gwen clarified

"It's an alternative to waxing Jack. I have one and told Tosh about it."

"You say it pulls out hairs?" continued Jack, still not fully understanding and turning the device around in his hands. It looked much like an electric shaver but where the razors should have been he could see small metal pincers.

"Yes Jack, it's a lot like waxing but in the long run cheaper. This way I won't have to keep on buying wax." Tosh picked up the epilator's original box to show Jack how harmless it was. The box was pick like the epilator, but had lots of flowers and a picture of a pretty girl on it.

"Not an alien device?" Jack asked again for clarification while giving Tosh back her epliator

"No!" Smiled Tosh with laughter sounding behind her voice "It's not going to hurt you unless you're hair." unbeknownst the team, Owen had a mischievous glint in his eye as he slowly moved towards Tosh

"I got a similar reaction from Rhys when I explained." Gwen assured Tosh "Men just don't understand."

The girls started to babble about other girlie stuff and Jack started to leave. Pre-51st century women did the oddest things for beauty. Personally, Jack wasn't turned off by a bit of hair. Though his love of scruffy men may have been the reason behind that.

He continued to mull over the things women did for beauty. A few years back he had decided to get some waxing and fake tanning done. Just out of curiosity. It was one painful experience he did not remember fondly. Orange and hairless did not suit Captain Jack Harkness.

Without warning, Owen had grabbed Tosh's epilator, turned it on and ran it up Jack's arm

With a blood curdling scream, Jack rubbed the now hairless patch on his right arm and frowned. Owen was laughing heartily until Jack took the epilator and tried to de-hair him. There were mixed reactions from the rest of the team as they watched their leader and their doctor chasing each other with an epilator. Gwen sighed while crossing her arms, Ianto rolled his eye thinking about the mess he's have to clean up and Tosh smiled a little.

"Boy will be boys I suppose." Gwen mumbled to Tosh and Ianto

"I'll get to ordering you a new epilator." Ianto assured Tosh "Then charge it to Jack."

"Speaking of which...let's look into that satellite." added Gwen while following Ianto towards the computer they all used to order things

Taking out her cell phone, Tosh took a quick snap of Jack and Owen. That was going to be her cell phone wallpaper for months to come.

A/N: hope you enjoyed, I'm thinking about making this into a series of short stories. I really like the ones I've read so far and decided to write this as a sorry to a friend. Tell me if you would like to read more stories like this! Also I just quickly wrote this up and checked over once. So if it's sketchy or not too good I understand.


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